Year of change-2012

Year of Change

As the year comes to the end, time for some reflection. This year has been a year of change....change of attitude, change of relationships, change of hearts and change of jobs.And not all change has been good.
My friend tells me that "This all was bound to happen as rahu has entered ur grah ". Earlier I used to reject such things as fiction of imagination, but i told him "Yes, maybe u r right". The roller-coaster I have gone through (and i see it continuing), is not for faint hearted. But I was always a brave heart. Let me clarify I am not very courageous, so I will not challenge the lion in the jungle, but if the lion challenges me, I would give him tough time. This is minute difference, and tats the way I am.
The year started badly, giving me some of the worst times of my life. Pain, they say, one has to go through to be a better person, to be great. And I always wanted to be great, not knowing some pains can be really painful  really unbearable, really difficult.
Why certain relations need to be broken/modified to keep the new relations? Why some new relations compel you to change urself, ur old relations?
I know, no one will have the answers. But its good to ask questions and try to find answers. It helps to utilize ur time.
At one time, things were looking good, and for one moment I thought, I thought maybe it s all going to be set the way I always imagined, I always wanted...
I think (I am note sure of anything these days), I did bend over to make sure things remain the way they are. But then destiny is not written excatly they way we think. And the next moment, it was all gone.... blown up into ashes....flying all over...in front of me, over me.....everywhere....and I was laughing.... laughing at myself... what a fool I was.... thinking ... hahaha.... wat a fool.....
Trying to figure out wat I can do, there came an idea, lets try and change the place.... new place, new job, new envitonment, might work it out.
So switched countires, dressing sense, accent and wat not.... but still .... the pain remains as it is....
I wont forget u 2012, never.

Fear of spilling oil

Things seem better now, but every now and then the splash of uncertainty takes away the relief of normalcy. One normal day is a big relief. But which day it will  be is never known. There is constant fear, constant uncertainty to to when things will go wrong. Its like walking on the eggshells. In hindi there is story of a person carying a pot filled with oil and at any cost he has to make sure he doesnt spills it. His fully attention is on not spilling the oil and therefore he is not aware of his surroundings however beautiful they are. He cannot enjoy anything as his focus it not spilling the oil.
My life has somewhat become like this person. All my focus is on how to make sure things dont go wrong, cause if it does it affects all three of us , special our kid. And for this I have to head bad things about my self, my family members and let her do anything she wants from shopping, raoming, sleeping, shouting .... the list is long.It seems that I have scarified everything about me for her, but all she has for me are complaints...!
Life is beautiful...!

Amount of Man

The Game of life going on. The little life has arrived and given some of the most happy and memorable moments of my life. Personal problems have kept swinging up and down. I have been thinking and wishing it will go away someday. But I guess, God is punishing me for my sins of prevoius birth.
This time i experienced what i had never experienced before. A new hieght of entropy... in the relationship.... and that has left me shaken stirred and unstable.
I sacrificied my job, my career, my likes...and this time my honor of being a man. Something, I dint even compromised for my family members. huh... the Just, impartial, loving person..... who used to have pride in owning and displyaing these qualitities.... is slowly dying.... I wish asking for death was as ease as my counter part things it is. With the little one around...I cant do that also...afterall some amount of Man is still within me.

nam ankhen

aj ankhen nam hai

kutch tu gham hai

dil mein chupa hua

ankhon mein jhalakta hua

ro nahin saktein hai hum

par kar tu saktein hai ankhen nam

zindagi jeena chahte the hum

sab kutch jeet lena chahte the hum

na socha tha takdeer kya hogi

na socha tha kaisa hoga tasavvur hamara

Dekhte-2 humari duniya palat gayi

ek hi pal mein humari zindagi badal gayi

Na jeene ki qwahish hai

na maut ka hai asra

ab hum kya karien

mere khuda tu hi bata

Right and Wrong

Like everything, our thoughts and attitude also changes with changing times. So has been the case with me. I changed a lot in past few years. I am really not sure good or bad, cause the change has made me confused for the first time in life. And for the first time I am not sure of things to do.

Generally I am very clear person-I know what I want and what i dont. But then I am also very principle centred and believe in right ans wrong. History has been proof that people who have been principle centred, never had great family life. And my mistake is I want a good family life as well.

A good family life is nothing but ability to compromise as per situation, which i find very difficult  do but have been doing till date. I thought after thathe teething problems finally one day it will stabilize. But i was wrong. But that is not the hproblem. The problem is now my family is going to get bigger, we are expecting one more member.

When I heard this news was i was full of joy with a sense of proud. The feeling of fathering a child is one of the best a man can have. I was full of dreams. But soon reality stuck me and I realised that the greatest bliss should have been given a miss. When 2 person cannot make gud family i dont think they can take gud care of the third person. Life becomes more complicated. Now the two will feel they are burdened by the third and cant even think of separation. They will life for the new one and not for each other. And any relationship, which is binded by a third force can never last long. 

But what saddens me is the thought of being asked by my child "Papa when u cud not give me gud life why did u brought me in this world?". The very thought of this burdens my heart and makes me feel cry (but i wont cause i am a man). What will i answer him? I love kids, looking into thier small but twinkling eyes, thier innocent smiles, thier cute ways. For so many years I have been thinking how i will raise my kids, how will i treat them and more importantly what kinda life will i give them. But suddenly I feel guilty of thinking all this.

So I should have not brought him because we two could not resolve our difference or create a good uderstanding. The question is not about who is at fault, the question is should I bring him in this world or not? The question is "What right and what is wrong?"

kya bataein aur kisko bataein

kaise the hum aur kya ho gaye hai hum

zindagi ko jindadili se jite the hum

chahe ho khushi ya gham

par ab zindagi se mayus ho gaye hain hum

har khusi se mehroom ho gaye hain hum

I had committed one mistake. Though I did not realise it then, soon after i did. I decided lot of things to overcome it, but destiny had it other way. I committed another mistake. And now I think there is no way out. I am going to live my life as if I am already dead. It is a stange feeling... painfull , regretfull, angry ... all a t the same time.